January 5, 2017 at 7:27 pm #1067
I think it’s normal for “normal” people to wonder how in the hell they ever got involved with a nutbag. How did I not see the signs? Why did I ignore the HUGE red flags? Why did I stay so long? And most importantly, how can I make sure this never happens again?
For me the “crazy” was my DH’s exwife. She’s a borderline with depression and alcoholism. SO. MUCH. CRAZY… All rolled into one :o)
And my questions aren’t so much how did *I* not see the crazy, but how did my normally very down-to-earth husband not see it? And I’ve come to think, and PLEASE weigh in here, that “crazy” is somewhat contagious. The gaslighting, blaming, always moving the target, rages followed by love bombing, all serve to make the normal person crazy too.
And for me, the crazy that was my husband rubbed off on me!
When I met, dated and eventually married my husband he was insane. He couldn’t pull his head out of his exwife’s ass to save his life. All decisions revolved around her, she called several times per day, she texted, she had access to his finances, etc. He hid all of that pretty well until after our marriage. But when I discovered the level of enmeshment between the two it made ME crazy. I acted in ways I NEVER would have acted (and have never since).
I was able to disengage myself inch by inch within a couple of years, and my husband disengaged from his ex as well (but it took longer). Now we are total no-contact and have been for about 8 years, and we were low contact for the 4 years prior to that. But when I look back on those early years I can clearly see how insane our lives were. And I can see that I KNEW things were “off” immediately, but I had no idea how to get out of the mess.
Crazy ex infected my husband who infected me. AS the least, and last, infected, I was able to identify and escape the behaviors fairly quickly. My husband took longer. His ex remains crazier than ever.
has anyone else here had an experience like this? Are you still in it? If you escaped, did you require support/counseling, or were you able to extricate yourself with the jaws of life being employed, LOL?January 5, 2017 at 8:06 pm #1069
I agree. When you live with crazy, you begin reacting to it in crazy ways, because there really is no other choice, other than to leave. Otherwise, there is no healing from it while you are still enmeshed with it. Crazy people are assholes and co-dependent people who are stuck with adapt by enabling it. Because to go against or openly disagree with the crazy person, 100% of the time means that you will be raged at and told that YOU are the crazy one.
Walking on eggshells is not healthy either, but it is something that a co-dependent person can learn to stop doing – once they break away from and go no contact with the crazy person.
Mental illness is a disease that requires others to suffer.January 6, 2017 at 3:59 pm #1070
“Mental illness is a disease that requires others to suffer.”
I’m writing that on my bathroom mirror so I won’t ever make the mistake of forgetting this profound bit of truth.April 16, 2017 at 12:39 pm #1269
I just read this from a new member on this forum:
“crazy is not contagious but it is forged”.
He just hit the nail on the head.April 25, 2017 at 10:33 pm #1313
I’ve been in your husbands shoes for the last several years. I left the matrimonial home nearly three years ago. I’ve had a couple of short relationships since then. One of my partners ended up getting so caught up in my and toxic ‘ex’-wife’s problems that she went nuts too. I got a major knife in the back from her. So all in all, it was a shit fest and to answer your question, yes crazy is the plague, but mostly if you’re compromised too . Several women smelt trouble a couple of minutes into a conversation with me and said see you later. The last person just said straight out, ‘you’re not ready for a relationship but I’ll be your friend’. I was kind of touched to be honest. Having an out of control ex wife is very difficult, and because I am in hyper vigilance mode, my anxiety pollutes all close relationships. So I have to make do with friendships which I’m grateful for.April 25, 2017 at 10:41 pm #1314
‘Mental illness is a disease that requires others to suffer.’
Are we talking personality disorders or all mental illnesses?
Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, OCD etc… can all exist independently of another party. But is that the case with many PDs? Would the full spectrum of BPD/NPD behaviours manifest in isolation? They require others to suffer, right?April 26, 2017 at 12:01 pm #1315
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound?
That’s what I thought of when I read your last questions above. I have a lot of blood in my caffeine stream right now, so pardon me if my answer isn’t entirely organized.
I think you are right. Cluster B personalities wouldn’t exist without a victim(s) on which to perpetrate their disorder. The nature of the disorder requires that the Cluster B act upon another person in order for the disorder to be expressed. A schizophrenic puts tinfoil on their head regardless of anyone else being present. The inner voices still talk, the delusions still rage. But a BPD, for instance, must rage AT someone, must gaslight someone, must throw a rage toward someone. They must manipulate someone else for their own gain. If left entirely alone how would the disorder present?April 26, 2017 at 4:27 pm #1316
Kathy, you have blood in your coffee? lol
I wanted to clarify that PERSONALITY DISORDERED people require others to suffer. And FWIW, I don’t really consider PD’d people to be mentally ill – at least not like Bipolar and Schizophrenia.
Maybe they can’t help themselves but be mean, conniving and selfish – but that is more of lack of morals. They prove that they know what they are doing by their ability to put on the mask when it suits their purpose.April 28, 2017 at 7:40 am #1321
Thanks for your answers. I agree with your sentiments.
I received my psych report the other day, all 16 pages of it. I was worried about a PD popping up because they often masquerade as chronic anxiety/depression. The guy didn’t even mention it. So there was some validation in there.
I’m quite sure feeling low and anxious when I met my wife was the real disaster. I remember little probes from her which made me question myself “why are you so arrogant ?” She’d say or “why did you say you were single on Facebook you clot?” 3 weeks after meeting her and only one date in etc.. I was not aware of my boundaries let alone willing to defend them. I identified with every criticism of myself and took them as truth. For the last 3 years she has tried to persuade me I had BPD, I am a malignant narcissist and a psychopath. There were points where I so believed her that any upset on my part , I would interpret as BPD instability, you get the picture. I’m not trying to say I was a saint. Let’s be straight here, depressed/anxious people can be a serious pain in the ass sometimes but are also prone to magnifying their negative qualities. By not having boundaries, I was in essence chumming the ocean. Someone sniffed me out and took a bite.
I’m going to take a step to the side and give myself a pat on the back. After reading the report, I realised how much shit I’ve been through, the crescendo of which was my marriage. I think I’ve done really well to keep standing.
btw we’ve been encouraged not use cappuccino froth tourniquets in our hospital in cases of haemorrhage. Can’t see the fuss myself.
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