December 28, 2016 at 12:14 pm #1042
As I had mentioned in a previous post, I am maintaining NC (No Contact) with BPD mom and “flying-monkey” dad and sibling. I had reiterated this in a group chat, with screenshot of email, with a suggestion that mom go to counseling, and was replied to by sibling stating that I should go to counseling also. I promptly blocked this family member from my chat client.
My questions are:
1. This week I received a gift through the mail from them, wishing me “Happy Holidays” and “Hope to hear from/see you.” Returning the gift would credit my online vendor account, not the family member’s who sent it (I suspect my sibling). If it were from anyone else, I would keep it, as it has nice features. Should I? Or instead return/auction it off so that in the unlikely chance I run into my family members in-person, there’s no way I would be caught with the gift?
2. Should I also maintain NC by not even sending a thank-you note through Amazon or any other means?
Thanks, Merry Christmas / Happy Chanukah / Kwanzaa / Festivus to all, and Happy New Year!December 28, 2016 at 7:25 pm #1044
So it was sent anonymously?
Keep it if you like it. Or keep it in the box and wait for the “guilty” party to fess up (my guess is that they eventually will), and hand it back to them at that time.
This is a mini version of a hoover.December 29, 2016 at 12:52 am #1047
Pam, thank you for the advice. I suspected hoovering.
The note with the gift ended with “Love, Mom Dad and [sibling’s name].” I’m fairly certain my sibling ordered it.
Will maintain NC until the next get-together by mutual relatives (e.g. Lunar New Year next month) to see my parents and sibling in-person to hand them back the gift.
I may have to dash from the festivities and not stick around for the banquet meal (chances are they’ll try to seat me at the same table as my parents and sibling), which means alienating some of these relatives too. Sound like a solid plan?December 29, 2016 at 2:40 pm #1054
My parents were extremely toxic and I eventually had to cut them out just to keep my sanity. Unfortunately this meant that I had to pass on many family functions. My siblings didn’t understand and were hurt by my choice because it meant not seeing them, as well.
I’ve just learned to do things with the sane family members separately from huge family gatherings.December 29, 2016 at 3:48 pm #1055
I would hand the gift back UNLESS it was a family heirloom item, or an item of sentimental value to me, ie old family photos or mementos, etc.
It doesn’t sound as if this gift qualifies as that so I would likely send it back via mail just to avoid a public scene or in-person interaction. I might also include a note simply saying “Thank you for the thought but I cannot accept your gifts”. Then there is no unpleasantness or opportunity for your family to paint you as the “bad person” while at a family celebration.January 11, 2017 at 1:23 pm #1087
Thank you, Pam and Kathy, for your advice. I still have the unopened gift, and am considering returning it to the online vendor, and not to my sibling/parents, because:
1. The vendor has a generous return policy (through the end of this month; return shipping probably free to me, also). Returning it to the vendor would credit me the cost of the gift towards a future purchase; my sibling and parents would never know that I did.
2. I maintain NC to my family, eliminating the possibility of any negative reaction to any reply of mine. From reading “Say Goodbye to Crazy” only the three Bs (Blood, Brains, Broken Bones) would apply to contact them, and this doesn’t qualify. While the online vendor allows thank-you notes to be sent through their system to the gift-giver, I may choose to not even go that route. (Kathy, what do you think?)
3. The gift is a wearable item and I do not want even the slightest possibility of my family members seeing a picture of me wear it. I consider it a form of “branding” (thinking of how cattle are branded) if I were to.
Any feedback or other suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by hilawnking52.
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