Tagged: Brother sister
January 9, 2017 at 5:33 pm #1075
There is a lot of history to my story, I’m trying to make it as short as possible, so please stay with me.
I’m the oldest of 4, all of us have same mother, I had a different biological father, but was legally adopted by their dad at 5 and have never known my biological father. I’m 54, my oldest sibling, now deceased was 43, still living a brother,(I’ll call C) 41 and a sister, late 30’s, (who I’ll call P) there’s always been a big age difference which in itself didn’t create a closeness. Our parents were dysfunctional to say the least, which made relationships difficult too. Distance was also a factor in getting to know them better. For most of my life I didn’t see them or communicate very often, only occasionally. I didn’t have a relationship with my mother either. (She was an emotional vampire) I did have a relationship with my father though, he was type A and difficult, however, he cared. C never had a relationship with our dad, P did, IMO only for money. My dad paid for her nursing school, among other things (she’s highly irresponsible with money) and she was labeled ” the favorite.
So, now to the issues- when my dad died a few years ago (unexpectedly) he had made me executor of his will. In his will, his estate was divided into 3- a third for me, a third for C and P third was left in trust to pay for her 4 boys education. P was highly resentful that I “not being blood” was left in charge, she was also extremely mad that ” she got nothing” (she did – it was saved for her boys because my dad knew she would blow every single penny) at the time, my brother and I agreed to give her proceeds of the sale of a motorcycle because she was going to be going through a divorce. After about 3 months, we realized she was telling us she was broke, yet partying every night, and buying expensive things. We both than changed our minds. I told her I was not giving her a cent to blow on booze and purses. She stopped talking to us after that. For 2 years no relationship with her, but my brother and I were getting along great.
So, last September, our mother (no will) unexpectedly dies. C and I travel to SC where she lived and P lives as well. P lived not 10 minutes from my moms apt and hadn’t spoken to her in 5 years. So, it’s up to us, and C has no money to pay for any of the final expenses.( I had to pay for everything- $4000 junk trucks, cremation, etc.) then He does not want my sister involved because in his words- ” she’s a bitch” “she just wants to see what she can take” “I’m not giving her a cent”. C and P were text fighting for 2 days. I stayed out of the fighting. Dealing with death, my moms hoard and the fact that she’d been dead in her house for 10 days with 2 dogs and a cat was enough. I did think that she should’ve been there trudging through dog, cat piss and poop too, but I didn’t want to upset anything else and I didn’t disagree that she would take what she wanted and go- (that happened with my dad’s stuff) so, I let it go.. he invited her to the short service, she came everyone was respectful and afterwards P texts C for a reset. C says sure, but he still doesn’t trust her.
upon returning home, C tells me that P’s ex BFF tells him that she knew my sister had kept my dad’s jewelry that he was wearing when he passed. She pawned it, including a ring that was specifically left to me in his will. I’m outraged, but we have no proof. C is outraged, that is theft. Not much we can do. By this time, its the election and C is downright angry about it. He was pissed about my vote. I don’t hear from him, we don’t see each other over the holidays. I finally reach out to him, says he wasn’t mad, thought I was mad, and why didn’t I invite him to Thanksgiving? I’m so confused… Then he’s suddenly Facebook friends with P again, while still excluding her from anything my mother had. ( he filed a small estate and didn’t list her as kin) I have all her jewelry and P got nothing. So now C is back in SC to sell my moms car (sister still gets nothing) yet he’s posting FB pictures of pizza and beer with P like they are suddenly the best of siblings? I do not understand this dysfunctional BS. Please help.
Thanks for staying with me, I apologize for my lengthy post. Lol.
January 9, 2017 at 6:07 pm #1078
- This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by mrsedj.
Nothing brings out the crazy in family members like a death in the family.
Now that both of your parents have passed away, there doesn’t seem to be a need for you to stay enmeshed with your toxic siblings. I recommend cutting ties as soon as you can. And it couldn’t hurt to find yourself a good therapist who can help you get through the grieving process. (grieving the loss of your entire family is daunting for anyone).January 9, 2017 at 8:40 pm #1081
Thank you for your advice. It’s been a horrible time dealing with them both. It was easy for me to cut ties with my sister, but my brother will be more challenging. My kids still have a relationship with him and that makes it more difficult. However, my trust in him is gone and would be pretty hard to repair. Part of me doesn’t really feel too much loss at this point, there wasn’t much of a relationship for many years with my mother, brother or sister anyway. I’m just glad to know it’s not me. Lol.January 10, 2017 at 12:08 am #1082
I still keep in contact with my sister. I have no contact with my brother, though. It’s okay to pick and choose. Once they become grown ups it’s no longer a package deal.January 10, 2017 at 2:26 am #1083
Well my sister is out of the picture for me. Totally untrustworthy and irresponsible. I’m the trustee of her 4 boys college trust funds and she has no interest or even appreciation that her boys have the opportunity for a great future. In 3 + years she’s never even discussed the funds with me, other than when I had to have my lawyer send her a letter to make her complete the FAFSA form for the oldest. She got mad again, lol. 2 of her boys are in college now and I pay all the expenses, thankfully 1 lives with his dad. With her youngest still in elementary school, I have a long time of dealing with trust funds ahead..
that sucks. I can’t totally get rid of the cloud.January 11, 2017 at 1:36 pm #1089
mrsedj, why does a FAFSA even need to be completed if there’s enough $ in trust funds to pay for each of your nephews’ college costs?January 11, 2017 at 2:45 pm #1091
Thanks for the question. First, as trustee it’s my job to protect the funds and insure that they are spent inaccordance with my fathers will. So, if my nephews can get a grant or scholarship to help pay for school, that helps to reserve funds for the future. For example, my nephew received a grant so instead of the fund paying $4000, I only paid 2,000 which saved 2,000 in his fund. That money can then be used to pay for his further education expenses or it will be in the trust when he receives one third of funds left when he turns 25. Does that make sense?January 11, 2017 at 3:02 pm #1092
I think so. I’ve heard from a finance talk show that an equivalent amount of grant/scholarship money can be withdrawn, penalty- and tax-free, from education accounts such as a 529 or Coverdell ESA. (Assuming that when you stated “you paid”, it was out of these education accounts, not out-of-pocket.)January 11, 2017 at 3:42 pm #1093
Yes, I pay expenses from their trust accts. I’m not sure about that advice you saw. In my case, each boy has his own investment account and it is actually at my discretion how the funds are spent. Legally, I am to follow the outline that was in my fathers will, which is what I do.January 11, 2017 at 3:47 pm #1094
It’s unfortunate that your nephews actual parents are not mature enough to handle this. But I guess your Dad knew what he had with her?January 11, 2017 at 8:34 pm #1095
Oh yes. When my dad asked me to be executor of his will, he told me exactly why he structured it the way he did. He knew she would spend every penny she got. He was very smart to do what he did.
He didn’t even know the extent of her issues. After he passed, I found out that she never even paid the school loans she had with the money he gave her to pay for school. He also felt that since he paid for her RN school, she would have the ability to earn a living… one would think. Anyway, I’ve learned that she is not to be trusted and extremely selfish. I tried with her and that bridge is burned.January 23, 2017 at 11:37 pm #1109
Update and added BS.
I’m so frustrated with my brother. As I stated before, he had no money to pay for our mothers final expenses when she died. (In September) I covered over $4,000. He owes me half which I have yet to receive and for the past week he’s been traveling in Florida and enjoying a cruise. Yeah, that’s nice. 🙄 And to add more weirdness, on my birthday he doesn’t contact me directly- he tags me in a pic of us on Facebook, happy birthday to my big sis, love you. WTF??? Ugh, I can’t take this crazy crap. I’ve decided that once I get my money, I need to cut him out. Be done. I can’t really see a way to reconcile this. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. I’m feeling pretty disrespected and angry.February 14, 2017 at 9:21 pm #1187
I feel your pain. Honestly I don’t believe your brother is going to pay you back. I would write it off as a lost. If he pays fine if he does not pay fine. I am from a dysfunctional family and I paid for the funeral of my sister. My mother or other sister did not make a financial contribution. Any way she died before I learned the true definition of crazy and narcissism. I am new to this site. I am no contact with my sister and low contact with my mother.February 14, 2017 at 11:22 pm #1196
Ditto, your brother isn’t paying you back!February 15, 2017 at 3:06 am #1198
Agreed—your brother won’t pay you. Sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and move on.
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